I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
a search helicopter?!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
