Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
