I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize