May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
