These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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