they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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