This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
