I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
