wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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