nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize