she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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