we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize