Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My balls are so social today.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
