On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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