she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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