i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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