A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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