last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
