she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
