oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I looked at my own cervix.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
