I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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