when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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