please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
