she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
