i wish starbucks made bloody marys
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
