there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize