No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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