I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
