he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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