you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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