We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
