I accidentally burped into my bong.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
