sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
