You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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