and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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