i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
