We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
