Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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