Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
