He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
