the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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