Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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