I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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