Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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