The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
