Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
