I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
