Yo dont text me then not text me
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
