Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
