I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
