Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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