I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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