NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
